A love of endings

“Mirror”, Rachel Eliza Griffiths

I couldn’t find a link, but thought the first line funny: You immaculate bitch of glass, …

This poem is almost exactly what I was describing in the following piece I wrote a while back:

Anyhow, been thinking a little bit lately about how calm of a person I am and how I like that about myself and how I realize I quite like a certain related quality in others. I think stolidity might be the word, but it’s some combination of acceptance, calmness, self-assuredness that comes together to comprise what I would think of as maturity. And something about all of that makes me feel much more comfortable with a person, almost immediately. Back to me for a second, some quote on instagram, I was never allowed to be angry all my life, and kinda same, even though I was, but now that I’ve settled into it and filled into myself I like it. I’m not an angry person. I am stolid. Not emotionless, but accepting as it comes and sure of what I am and love and will be and so on.

I did a lot of work today, left lab at 10pm and it was something that should’ve been easy to do but software and so it wasn’t and took me a while and I got a bit frustrated because, I mean, it should’ve been easy to do. Anyhow, I grabbed a sandwich and some snacks afterward and was sitting outside in the dark at Princeton, it was cool and a nice breeze was running around. And I awfully loved it and began to miss Princeton and this summer in that moment. Funny how that works.

All things are loveable as they close, I think.

You’ve but to find one nice, serene moment and say yeah, I was here and sure it wasn’t all great but look there was some good–I will hold on to that. And don’t we always hold onto that? Isn’t that why anything is hard? Nothing is all bad. Most things are net good, at least thus far for me.

Here, I love the ending. Or the ending lets me love the thing. A love of endings is in some sense a love of form. I do like that things are concrete and cannot spin forever. Louise Gluck appears to be right: “Celestial Music”

It’s this stillness, this stolidity, this calmness this peace that I am drawn to. Tonight, a neutral breeze across the ground, sounds of bugs everywhere but it’s cool and how can it not be lovely?

I shall miss Princeton. I shall miss this summer. I shall miss the me of this summer. Even though I currently do not feel I shall miss being the me I have been this summer. Loneliness is a hammer. I try not to be a nail, and fail.