The world isn’t ready for my love

James Bowden

I’ve got nothing.

--The Script, Nothing

I wrote this girl I’d just met a letter. Stuck some first impressions on a Hokusai print card,
which I’d bought because the first girl I ever loved, Rachel, had a tapestry of the wave
on her wall, across from where she tickled me tender. Why a letter?
Well, the girl I most recently loved, Antonia, was quite into writing letters
and wrote me many an email, and, well,
have you ever loved someone? How could I not get into writing letters?

We’re getting a little far from the original subject, Kristine. But how else do you love
someone new than in the ways you know how? No, I didn’t stumble upon love by myself
or through my parents. Of course not. I’m no philosopher and they’re hardly even role models.
Let’s not be overly romantic here.

Well, I thought it’d be cute to look back at either way. Licked it shut,
tucked in my desk drawer. I mean, we proceeded to have sex the next day
after I’d written the letter, so that has to mean something. Started hanging out.
Starting loving her a little, missing her. Her too-wide smile, gently framed by her jawline
that’s (in theory) too well-defined for a girl. The way she clasps my face between her palms.
Kisses me cutely. Rakes her nails down my back when I ask her to. I’m writing this poem
because I don’t know what the fuck she does when she’s not with me but it’s
almost never respond to my texts, she kept mentioning boundaries,
seemed scared to fall in, said she should not sleep over
on weeknights because it made her not
want to get out of my bed
in the morning.

The point is, I’ve written all three of these girls love letters. Never at the “opportune”
time, but then again, I never expected anything to come of them. I mean, sure,
I wanted them like you’d want anyone you love. But these love letters,
they weren’t rhetorical. Just artifacts of love. Expressions of my feel-
ings. Love regardless of outcome, response. Selfless beyond sensibility.
As unconditional as I know how to be.

Neither of the first two were received very well. I’m uncertain I’ll get to mail the third
at this rate.